I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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