dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
