Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Randomize
