All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
