the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
