don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
so much tequila, so little girl.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Randomize
