So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
