He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
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