"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
