yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
