Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
