I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
