My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
