the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Randomize
