Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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