Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
