I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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