I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
