when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
