You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
