It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
