Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Why are your pants in the freezer?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
