My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
