three words: i give head
three words: not that well
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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