Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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