Have you finally orgasmed yet?
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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