And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
