you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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