my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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