Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
