Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
