Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
