Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
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