Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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