so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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