I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
