mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
