my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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