her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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