if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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