I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
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