He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I think people are normalizing furries
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
