After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
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I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
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either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER