this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
