I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
