There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
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