please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
