shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Randomize
