I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
