just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I'm too high and old for this...
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Randomize
