I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
