I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
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i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
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also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove