Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.