totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
