Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
