I accidentally burped into my bong.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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