Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
